21.11. The take-off

My meditation today: 30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes in the evening.

Yoga: 40 minutes


I started my journey with McLean Meditation Institute in October this year. I found their website after I had listened to Sarah McLean´s interview in the Best of Hay House World Summit. I knew instantly that it was the thing I needed to do - to become a meditation instructor.

The process of application and enrollment was short. I received the curriculum last Friday and I have listened to the recordings of the two first teleconferences. As I am not able to participate in the discussions, I sent the following email to Sarah yesterday:

Hi Sarah,

I just posted my concern on facebook, about the time zone issue regarding the teleconferences. It is a bit difficult for me to participate as I am 9 hours ahead of you. I have listened to the two recordings even though I haven´t really started my studies yet as I don´t have the books.

But I have enjoyed them greatly.

Since this Monday (which I consider the start of my studies) I have meditated in the mornings and evenings, before dinner. I started with 30 minutes but felt that I needed more time for my evening meditation so I have done it for an hour now. I feel like I need this time to unwind and relax properly. Sometimes I feel like I fall asleep and even dream but that is OK, right? 

I am very excited about my meditation and always look forward to doing it, even though sometimes my restless mind starts to wander and ideas pop in my head (my head is like a pop corn pot, with endless brainstorming going on constantly!)

The question I have is about the different meditation practices. I joined the Sahaj Marg community last spring and was told that one is not supposed to mix different ways of meditation. My instructor got a bit upset when I told her I had done the Deepak Chopra & Oprah 21-meditation challenge. She said I should only focus on one tradition at a time. I would like to continue Sahaj Marg but am a bit worried they might not like my on going studies with you...

The other question is about the emotional roller coaster the meditation seems to have provoked in me. I feel very sad, even teary, and experience a very strong need to be alone (which I cannot, due to family situation). I realize this is probably a natural reaction and maybe even good, a sign that somethings is happening inside me. The grief and stress are being released. Or?

Thank you again for this wonderful opportunity to learn and grow!

best regards,

-kati

I received an answer from Sarah, saying that what I am experiencing is normal but that I should cut my evening meditation to 20-30 minutes. She advised me to read the p. 80 in the curriculum, about the Purification Experiences. I did this today and it was such a relief! I realize that I have been going through the spiritual awakening process for some time now, for a couple of years even, ever since my Sadhana started and things started falling apart around me. The meditation course seems to have aggravated the process. I hope it means this process is soon over!

I sent Sarah another email, giving some background information about my situation. We are going to talk in Skype on Sunday.

Hi Sarah,

ok - let´s talk. Sunday night is probably best for me. Even late, till midnight my time which is 3 pm your time! Or any time before that.

About the emotions: I told you in my letter that I have gone through a painful divorce. I also have a son who has depression and anxiety issues and who has been unable to go to school.  

I am doing much better (I even have a new wonderful boyfriend!) but realize now that I am nowhere near as healed as I thought I was. Every morning I wake up, the first thing I feel is the grief. This has been the case for a few years now. But I have tried to hide it because my friends think I should move on and not get stuck in the grief. Meditation somehow made me aware of the fact that the grief is still there. I don´t think it made it stronger. I think I was gently reminded that it is still there.

And then something else happened. Last Friday I was at the company´s christmas party. A colleague who I barely know (a man!) came to me and said "Kati - you look like you are happy and in a good mood all the time but it seems to me that you really are not. Seems like there is sadness in you that you want to hide."

That was a total blow to me. I hardly know the guy and yet he had seen the hidden grief in me that most people don´t. I actually asked my friends about this and they said (even the boyfriend) that they don´t see any grief anymore and that I look really happy and balanced.

I have been wondering if this grief has prevented me from moving on and succeeding in my many endeavors. The meditation practice has somehow made me see myself the way I really am. The grief does not define me, of course, but it still there.

Why, I am wondering, as I have done so much reading, thinking and growing. I have tried everything, from Byron Katie to Eckhart Tolle (even the Secret and the Law of Attraction) but no. The grief is there. I don´t really know any more what I am grieving. Maybe it is not my husband, maybe it is something else?

Sorry -  wrote more I intended.

I will cut the meditation to half an hour. 

One positive thing: I have slept really well since I made the decision to start the meditation training.

With warm regards,

-kati

I am waiting for the books and feeling excited. I have decided to really engage myself into this process, so I am giving myself a break. I have been on sabbatical (=unemployed) since the beginning of this year and have lived on the money I received from my mom when she sold her flat and moved into a caring home. I also receive decent unemployment benefits. I can go on like this for another year and I am really grateful for this opportunity. Sometimes I panic when I think about the future but I try to stay calm and focused and have faith in that my life unfolds perfectly without me trying to fix things.