Since I made the decision of starting the training course, I have slept really well. Sleep has been a problem for me and for many years I have slept badly, usually waking up in the hour of the wolf, usually to worry. When my marriage started crumbling, I was prescribed tranquilizers to help me sleep. But I haven´t taken any for a few months now.
It is 3:10 I am awake now. I heard my son going downstairs and realized that he had been at his computer till 2:30 am. I got upset. I entered into panic. My 16 year old son has dropped out of school, due to depression and anxiety issues. He has been trying to catch up the missing courses but with poor results. Without the secondary school diploma his chances in life are not good. In my country the kids start school at 7 and finish the obligatory education (comprehensive school) by the age of 16. After this they either go to the secondary school or vocational school. But these schools are difficult to get in if your report is bad. If you have no report at all, you are in trouble.
I realize that the reason for my panic reaction is not my son´s school issues. There is no reason to panic. But this and my own unclear future are the two things that trigger the panic in my mind. When I am in this state, I am unable to do anything. I cannot meditate or calm down. I cannot focus. There is a lump in my throat and tightness in my upper stomach. I feel totally helpless. My thoughts are razing and not into a good direction. I see only blackness ahead.
There is nothing I can do about my son´s school issues at three in the morning. I realize this. My gut feeling says that I should let go of these worries and trust that the life will unfold for my son as for anybody else, perfectly. I cannot protect him by worrying. On the contrary, my worrying makes him feel worse and the situation gets worse. When my pain-body is heavy, it will affect my son. Sometimes I think that it is my own twisted thinking that has made my son ill and unable to go to school.
I am trying to remember all the advice I have read during this Sadhana of mine. I am trying to remember Byron Katie´s questions. Is it true that my son has dropped out of school? Do I absolutely know it is true? How does it make me feel when I think about this thought? Where would I be without this thought? And then the turnarounds.
This makes me feel a bit better. It puts things into a perspective. There is little I can do about the fact that my son has problems. I cannot change the situation. My problem is that I think that by controlling circumstances I can make positive changes. But I cannot. I can only control my own thinking.
Today in my yoga class the instructor reminded me that I am what I think. Choose your thoughts carefully, he said.
I am thinking of listening to Sarah´s CD. Maybe crystal bowl healing? It is only 5 minutes long. I wonder what it is. I have to get my frequencies back on track. I need to calm down.
I listened to the crystal bowl healing and it was lovely. I am still feeling anxious. My head is full of what ifs. What if my son will never get the school done? What if he will never find his way?
There we go. Not good. I think I will post a question on facebook. Maybe I get advice of what to do in the middle of the night if I cannot sleep and I am sliding into panic mode.
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