I am not reporting my meditations anymore since I think I have done the course assignments. However, I do meditate every day and of the 40 minutes.
The last few days have been incredibly hard. I have felt pain like never before and am extremely exhausted. I got an attack of heart palpitations yesterday which was good because it forced me to check my BP. I had to invite a friend over, to hold my hand and it was terrible but actually not to bad. The readings were sky high, of course, and I did get freaked out and my pulse was around 100. But it got better and even though the readings were high, I was content that I did it. I overcame the biggest fear I´ve had in my life!
I had to go back to my full medication, though, since my BP is too high and smaller doses clearly don’t work in my case, where much of the problem comes from the fact that I cannot deal with the measuring. I cannot stay calm no matter what I do and start fussing over the numbers so that I stay nervous and agitated all the time.
So I need medication to treat the effects of the diagnosis which is really weird.
The sad thing is that I did not feel all that great after my great breakthrough. Beforehand I had always thought that once I am able to do it (the measuring), I will feel fantastic and relieved. But no. I felt sad and weary. Like I have been feeling for some time now.
I went back to the course files and read about the purification process. I guess that´s what I am going through. The bottled pain and sadness and trauma is finally, after all these years, getting out of my system, causing havoc while it goes.
Martha Beck, my favourite life coach, talks about the stages of metamorphosis one has to go through when one is experiencing big changes and transformations. Just as the butterfly-to-be is nothing but a little "puddle of glob” inside the cocoon before it starts developing wings and legs, so is a person, undergoing a transformation, “person soup”. I love this metaphor! I feel exactly that - person soup. I also feel like I am in a cocoon. As I write this, I sit on my bed, under a warm blanket and in my bathrobe, drinking hot chocolate - at 3 pm! I have been feeling so unwell that I feel like I need this cocooning now.
There is nothing in the caterpillar that suggests it is going to be a butterfly, as Buckminster Fuller has said. This soup is just bubbling.
My last two meditations have been very difficult. I have felt immense pain that somehow remind me of labor pains. Yesterday I had to interrupt the meditation which is something that hasn’t happened before. Today I made it through the 40 minutes but the pain was considerable. I am unable to cope with the outside world now and feel I just need to be here, by myself, with myself.
The trip to Sedona scares me. I do not understand why. I have travelled quite a bit and been to places like Cape Town, Honiara, Mexico City, Muscat, The Bronx - all by myself. I lived in the Sultanate of Oman, an Islamic country, for 6 months, all alone, for crying out loud. What is wrong with me?
Or am I scared of the change that is inevitable? Is it stepping into the unknown that I am scared of?
The last few days have been incredibly hard. I have felt pain like never before and am extremely exhausted. I got an attack of heart palpitations yesterday which was good because it forced me to check my BP. I had to invite a friend over, to hold my hand and it was terrible but actually not to bad. The readings were sky high, of course, and I did get freaked out and my pulse was around 100. But it got better and even though the readings were high, I was content that I did it. I overcame the biggest fear I´ve had in my life!
I had to go back to my full medication, though, since my BP is too high and smaller doses clearly don’t work in my case, where much of the problem comes from the fact that I cannot deal with the measuring. I cannot stay calm no matter what I do and start fussing over the numbers so that I stay nervous and agitated all the time.
So I need medication to treat the effects of the diagnosis which is really weird.
The sad thing is that I did not feel all that great after my great breakthrough. Beforehand I had always thought that once I am able to do it (the measuring), I will feel fantastic and relieved. But no. I felt sad and weary. Like I have been feeling for some time now.
I went back to the course files and read about the purification process. I guess that´s what I am going through. The bottled pain and sadness and trauma is finally, after all these years, getting out of my system, causing havoc while it goes.
Martha Beck, my favourite life coach, talks about the stages of metamorphosis one has to go through when one is experiencing big changes and transformations. Just as the butterfly-to-be is nothing but a little "puddle of glob” inside the cocoon before it starts developing wings and legs, so is a person, undergoing a transformation, “person soup”. I love this metaphor! I feel exactly that - person soup. I also feel like I am in a cocoon. As I write this, I sit on my bed, under a warm blanket and in my bathrobe, drinking hot chocolate - at 3 pm! I have been feeling so unwell that I feel like I need this cocooning now.
There is nothing in the caterpillar that suggests it is going to be a butterfly, as Buckminster Fuller has said. This soup is just bubbling.
My last two meditations have been very difficult. I have felt immense pain that somehow remind me of labor pains. Yesterday I had to interrupt the meditation which is something that hasn’t happened before. Today I made it through the 40 minutes but the pain was considerable. I am unable to cope with the outside world now and feel I just need to be here, by myself, with myself.
The trip to Sedona scares me. I do not understand why. I have travelled quite a bit and been to places like Cape Town, Honiara, Mexico City, Muscat, The Bronx - all by myself. I lived in the Sultanate of Oman, an Islamic country, for 6 months, all alone, for crying out loud. What is wrong with me?
Or am I scared of the change that is inevitable? Is it stepping into the unknown that I am scared of?
