Breaking down

Today I experienced a total mealt-down. I have felt a bit strange for a longer time. It is like something has been wanting to come out of my system but has not been able to. 

On a subconscious level I guess I have known all along
what it was but did not want to see it. Today I started feeling intense pain in my solar plexus. I felt nauseous and feverish. 

Last night I had a study buddy session with Michele. She had chosen Cat Stevens´song "The Wind": 

I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never.

I listen to my words but
They fall far below
I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go
I swam upon the devil's lake
But never, never never never
I'll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never.

What hit my nerve was the bit of listening to the "wind of my soul". We discussed this with Michele and I asked her if she listens to the wind of her soul. She said that yes she does and this made me think about my own soul connection. I have always felt that for me it is particularly difficult to listen to my soul´s messages. That I don´t hear anything. 

But now I realize that it is not true. I do hear but I don´t want to listen.

Last night I read a book about a Finnish philosopher and his great love affair with his second wife, who died young, after only 11 years of marriage. Somehow the story stung my heart because it looked like what I imagine the love affair between my husband and his Brazilian girl friend to be. I went to bed heavy hearted and slept badly, having dreams of their wonderful soul-mate relationship that I watch lonely and broken hearted, forever.

I went on with my day and in the afternoon I decided to listen to Rachel Naomi Remen´s and Lissa Rankin´s discussion "10 ways your sould guides you in daily life", that I had found in the Internet. They speak of "soul loss" - a situation where a person has lost her contact with her soul.

When listening to this I wondered where my soul is and why she does not give me any signs. Around the same time I started feeling heavy pain in my solar plexus. I got a strong feeling that something was not right. I was nauseous and too weary to do anything. So I lied down. 

And then my grown-up daughter texted me that my husband´s girlfriend had come secretly to Finland and that he had left my youngest son with my daughter until I come back.

He has done things like these before, promised me to spend time with our son while I have been out and then escaping to his girlfriend and leaving the boy. I got really upset.  I realized that my husband had not done anything wrong - we are separated and he can hang out with whomever he wants, without telling me. That he had left my youngest was not so dramatic either. He is 17 and my daughter is 26. They can do just fine, and even better, without my husband (whose cooking skills are pathetic).

Yet, I was hurt. I felt pain that is nothing like I have ever experienced. But I know that the pain does not come from what my husband has done but from what I have done. The pain comes from the fact that I have been unable to let him go and to be totally fine with what has happened.

As I write, the pain is still here, as intensive as ever. On top of the agony, I also feel sadness. But at the same time I feel peace, too. I know I have to endure this pain to move on and because of this, I let the pain consume me. I totally accept it. I do not resist. It is my intention to just immerse myself into it. I want it to crush me. I want to become one with the pain.

And when this has happened, I pick up the pieces and move on. Now I know that the Universe always speaks to me. I know I will be guided. 

Now I know that I do not have to know what happens next. I only need to be here now. 

Now I know that I will always know. And I am so grateful for it.