My meditation yesterday: 5 pm (30 minutes)
Today: 9:00 am (30 minutes), 5 pm (30 minutes)
My emotions are on a roller-coaster. Basically I feel fine, most of the time, but last night, at bedtime, I suddenly started feeling anxious. I could not sleep, I felt full even though I had not been eating much. I do not know if the bad feeling was triggered by a movie I watched, "Everybody Is Alright", with Robert de Niro. It was about a dysfunctional family and a father who tried to bring the family members back together. Somehow I found it depressing.
After watching it I fell into a black hole of hopelessness, again. I felt helpless and scared. I watched some funny youtube-clips to make myself feel better and I guessed it worked as I slept through the night, till 8, and had pleasant if slightly stressful dreams.
In the morning I felt exhausted, however. I took the dog out, came home and meditated. And fell a sleep. I slept for an hour or so and when I woke up, the anxiety had gone. Now I feel okay. Slightly tearful still, but okay.
The kids are coming to Sunday lunch so there is some cooking to do.
It is okay. I am trusting the Universe to show me the way.
...
I started reading the lesson 4 material. What Sarah writes about the Beginners Minds struck a chord. Judith´s story made me cry. I felt a sting of envy in my heart. I would so want to save my marriage like she did but it is beyond me. This makes me sad, still. But I try to adopt beginner´s mind even to this. I try to love what is, without labels and concepts. I can go on loving my husband even outside the relationship. I do not need anything back, not really, though I feel the need. I must let it go.
Watching Jill Bolte Taylor´s TED-talk on her stroke of insight somehow shook me although I had seen it before. So I wanted to meditate again and went upstairs do it. It was the most amazing session! It felt like I was releasing energy, my hole body tingled. I felt restless and even a bit shaky. I wanted to get into the lovely space again but my will obviously prevented me from getting there. I could not apply beginners mind there! I could not surrender!
But I do not judge myself. All is well and I did the best I could.
Today: 9:00 am (30 minutes), 5 pm (30 minutes)
My emotions are on a roller-coaster. Basically I feel fine, most of the time, but last night, at bedtime, I suddenly started feeling anxious. I could not sleep, I felt full even though I had not been eating much. I do not know if the bad feeling was triggered by a movie I watched, "Everybody Is Alright", with Robert de Niro. It was about a dysfunctional family and a father who tried to bring the family members back together. Somehow I found it depressing.
After watching it I fell into a black hole of hopelessness, again. I felt helpless and scared. I watched some funny youtube-clips to make myself feel better and I guessed it worked as I slept through the night, till 8, and had pleasant if slightly stressful dreams.
In the morning I felt exhausted, however. I took the dog out, came home and meditated. And fell a sleep. I slept for an hour or so and when I woke up, the anxiety had gone. Now I feel okay. Slightly tearful still, but okay.
The kids are coming to Sunday lunch so there is some cooking to do.
It is okay. I am trusting the Universe to show me the way.
...
I started reading the lesson 4 material. What Sarah writes about the Beginners Minds struck a chord. Judith´s story made me cry. I felt a sting of envy in my heart. I would so want to save my marriage like she did but it is beyond me. This makes me sad, still. But I try to adopt beginner´s mind even to this. I try to love what is, without labels and concepts. I can go on loving my husband even outside the relationship. I do not need anything back, not really, though I feel the need. I must let it go.
Watching Jill Bolte Taylor´s TED-talk on her stroke of insight somehow shook me although I had seen it before. So I wanted to meditate again and went upstairs do it. It was the most amazing session! It felt like I was releasing energy, my hole body tingled. I felt restless and even a bit shaky. I wanted to get into the lovely space again but my will obviously prevented me from getting there. I could not apply beginners mind there! I could not surrender!
But I do not judge myself. All is well and I did the best I could.
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