My meditation yesterday: 30 minutes in the morning. None in the evening. Also, no yoga :(
My meditation today: 30 minutes in the morning after a bad bad night. Evening meditation: 30 minutes (5.30-6 pm)
Last night was a night that I would gladly erase from my life. I wish it had never happened. I wish I could take away most of what I said and did.
I am utterly and thoroughly disappointed with myself.
The day started well. I came up with great ideas (as I reported yesterday!) and felt super-happy, energetic and hopeful. I did my usual Friday-night sauna with my mother and enjoyed it.
But then.
I went for a few drinks with a friend of mine who happens to be the cousin of my wasband. And then something happened that has happened so many times that I am starting to see a pattern, the result of which is that I collapse into a terrible uncontrollable despair. As my friend is close to my wasband´s brother, who lives with him at the moment (both being divorced), she hears things of my wasband´s relationship with his Brazilian girl friend that I know nothing about because I am never told.
I heard that the Girlfriend had been in Finland and had seen my kids, for the first time. I knew they had a supper with their dad a week ago but no one told me she was there, too.
Upon hearing this I lost it. Again.
The rest of the evening was a blur. I managed to stay cool while in the bar with my friend, but when she went home, I went mad. The pain was such that if there had been away to walk away this life, I would have done it. If I just could have stopped existing, I would have done that. Every breath hurt like I was breathing acid.
There is no need to report the details of what happened then. Let´s just say I managed to make my kids feel guilty of having not told me about their secret rendez-vous with her. I managed to make a fool of myself, especially in my own eyes.
But this is not the worst of it. The absolutely worst thing was the discovery that after years of reading, studying, meditating, theta healing, shaman courses, soul searching, stillness and even after a love affair with a wonderful man, I have made absolutely no progress. I am back in the limbo. I am in pain that is sticks on me like a tumor.
I am thinking of Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle and Neale Walsch and Rhonda Byrne and the lot and how they, in the midst of ultimate despair, had gotten a sudden flash of insight and become enlightened. Why does this not happen to me? Why am I kept in the darkness?
Why cannot I let go of her? I have done every single ritual of forgiveness that I have come across. I have done everything in my power to release the connection I have with the wasband.
And here I am. Heartbroken, miserable, teary eyed, hopeless.
There is a rational explanation for this, of course. During the time, a year or so, when the affair was there, she was like a dark cloud above my head. Me and my husband stayed together even when they were having the affair and even after I heard about it - though of course I had known about it long before I was told. I just did not want to see what was in front of my eyes.
She has become what a spider is for people with phobia for spiders. It is not the spider the arachnophobic person gets freaked out of, but the association that comes with the spider. No one is born with a phobia. It is a conditioned thought. The anxiety the girlfriend provokes in me is not her, it is the association I attach to her. When I hear her name I see my own shame, weakness and fear. And the experience catapults me into the trajectory of misery.
How do I change this? I don´t know. The only thing I can change is my own thinking. But really - no matter what the spiritual teachers say, it is not that easy.
I would like to write about this. Well, I have started it already, in my other blog. I would like to address the fact that sometimes the process is not that simple nor fast. Sometimes a person is not up to the challenge.
I realize it is not me that is in misery but my Ego. But sometimes the Ego is so strong and the pain-body so heavy that the person just...I don´t know. Cannot do it. Fails.
Dies.
I am in the place of not knowing right now. I am on a downward spiral. Like Alice in the Wonderland, I am falling and falling.
I have to pull myself together now. I will read some Yoga sutras and help my daughter with her move.
I am okay. I must be. There are people who love and need me and I must be there for them to love.
My meditation today: 30 minutes in the morning after a bad bad night. Evening meditation: 30 minutes (5.30-6 pm)
Last night was a night that I would gladly erase from my life. I wish it had never happened. I wish I could take away most of what I said and did.
I am utterly and thoroughly disappointed with myself.
The day started well. I came up with great ideas (as I reported yesterday!) and felt super-happy, energetic and hopeful. I did my usual Friday-night sauna with my mother and enjoyed it.
But then.
I went for a few drinks with a friend of mine who happens to be the cousin of my wasband. And then something happened that has happened so many times that I am starting to see a pattern, the result of which is that I collapse into a terrible uncontrollable despair. As my friend is close to my wasband´s brother, who lives with him at the moment (both being divorced), she hears things of my wasband´s relationship with his Brazilian girl friend that I know nothing about because I am never told.
I heard that the Girlfriend had been in Finland and had seen my kids, for the first time. I knew they had a supper with their dad a week ago but no one told me she was there, too.
Upon hearing this I lost it. Again.
The rest of the evening was a blur. I managed to stay cool while in the bar with my friend, but when she went home, I went mad. The pain was such that if there had been away to walk away this life, I would have done it. If I just could have stopped existing, I would have done that. Every breath hurt like I was breathing acid.
There is no need to report the details of what happened then. Let´s just say I managed to make my kids feel guilty of having not told me about their secret rendez-vous with her. I managed to make a fool of myself, especially in my own eyes.
But this is not the worst of it. The absolutely worst thing was the discovery that after years of reading, studying, meditating, theta healing, shaman courses, soul searching, stillness and even after a love affair with a wonderful man, I have made absolutely no progress. I am back in the limbo. I am in pain that is sticks on me like a tumor.
I am thinking of Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle and Neale Walsch and Rhonda Byrne and the lot and how they, in the midst of ultimate despair, had gotten a sudden flash of insight and become enlightened. Why does this not happen to me? Why am I kept in the darkness?
Why cannot I let go of her? I have done every single ritual of forgiveness that I have come across. I have done everything in my power to release the connection I have with the wasband.
And here I am. Heartbroken, miserable, teary eyed, hopeless.
There is a rational explanation for this, of course. During the time, a year or so, when the affair was there, she was like a dark cloud above my head. Me and my husband stayed together even when they were having the affair and even after I heard about it - though of course I had known about it long before I was told. I just did not want to see what was in front of my eyes.
She has become what a spider is for people with phobia for spiders. It is not the spider the arachnophobic person gets freaked out of, but the association that comes with the spider. No one is born with a phobia. It is a conditioned thought. The anxiety the girlfriend provokes in me is not her, it is the association I attach to her. When I hear her name I see my own shame, weakness and fear. And the experience catapults me into the trajectory of misery.
How do I change this? I don´t know. The only thing I can change is my own thinking. But really - no matter what the spiritual teachers say, it is not that easy.
I would like to write about this. Well, I have started it already, in my other blog. I would like to address the fact that sometimes the process is not that simple nor fast. Sometimes a person is not up to the challenge.
I realize it is not me that is in misery but my Ego. But sometimes the Ego is so strong and the pain-body so heavy that the person just...I don´t know. Cannot do it. Fails.
Dies.
I am in the place of not knowing right now. I am on a downward spiral. Like Alice in the Wonderland, I am falling and falling.
I have to pull myself together now. I will read some Yoga sutras and help my daughter with her move.
I am okay. I must be. There are people who love and need me and I must be there for them to love.
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