My meditation yesterday: 30 minutes in the morning (around 8:30 am), 30 minutes late at night (at 9:30 pm).
This morning: 30 minutes (8:30 am). Evenng: 30 minutes (4:00 pm)
Yoga: 30 minutes.
Yesterday was a good day. I went to the office and had a meeting. It was good. I then did some shopping with my daughter and her boyfriend at the IKEA. They are moving to their new flat this week-end and need this and that for their home. At the IKEA I experienced an amazing sense of tranquility and peace. It was like I was in love with everybody. The feeling of gratitude was almost overwhelming. It was a bliss!
I was late of my schedule so I could do my evening meditation very late, half past nine. It was not a good idea! It was difficult for me to fall asleep and I stayed up till 1 am again. I felt very restless and even slightly anxious.
But I did manage to fall asleep eventually and slept straight until 8:30 - without waking up once! This is a huge improvement in my life! I have been such a bad sleeper for such a long time.
I wish I could say I had sweet dreams but I didn´t. I have recently missed my "wasband" painfully lot and fell into the trap of fantasizing of getting back together, again. As a result of this I had a painful dream, the kind I have when I miss him. I was visiting him and he was very cold and unloving towards me. I woke up with a heavy heart.
After meditation and breakfast, I felt better and had some good laughs with my kids. I also got some good news about my financial situation from my brother. Seems I am OK with money for another year even if I don´t work. But then the wasband called me and mentioned a trip next Easter he is planning with my youngest. This shoot me immediately into the trajectory of panic as I am guessing his girlfriend will be involved in these plans. I am like a Pavlov-dog: conditioned to get a panic reaction whenever my wasband talks about traveling because this is what he used to do with his girlfriend behind my back.
So I ended up crying my eye-balls out in the bathtub, so that the kids would not hear.
I still have a heavy feeling in my heart and a lump in my throat. I have been crying the whole day. A part of these feelings is disappointment. I haven´t made much progress and am still grieving. I realize that the reason for grief is my inability to let go of him. I am trying really hard, or at least it feels like I am, but maybe I am not, as I am not getting anywhere. I keep missing him even though I have a new boyfriend who loves me to bits. But right now I cannot deal with him and am so grateful he does not live in my city so that I do not need to see him now.
And this is so awful! Why am I like this? Why cannot I take love from someone who is wanting to give it to me but keep on hanging on to someone who so obviously does not love me back?
I experience a deep need to be alone but the friend of mine is not happy about it. The more I keep my distance to him, the clingier he gets and the clingier he gets, the less I want to be with him. It is a vicious circle.
I feel like there is darkness inside me. The Sadhana is not over and I have some work to do. I am grateful I have been able to give up the need to worry about my son´s school issues or money, though. In those sectors I am doing great. But with my wasband - not.
Yesterday I started reading my books. I will continue focusing on the course. I am sure it helps. And tonight I am taking my daughter and my mom to a Christmas concert. I am sure that helps, too.
Today is Thanksgiving and even though it is not celebrated in my country, I celebrate it in my heart. I have so much to be thankful for! This meditation course is one of them <3
Happy Thanksgiving!
This morning: 30 minutes (8:30 am). Evenng: 30 minutes (4:00 pm)
Yoga: 30 minutes.
Yesterday was a good day. I went to the office and had a meeting. It was good. I then did some shopping with my daughter and her boyfriend at the IKEA. They are moving to their new flat this week-end and need this and that for their home. At the IKEA I experienced an amazing sense of tranquility and peace. It was like I was in love with everybody. The feeling of gratitude was almost overwhelming. It was a bliss!
I was late of my schedule so I could do my evening meditation very late, half past nine. It was not a good idea! It was difficult for me to fall asleep and I stayed up till 1 am again. I felt very restless and even slightly anxious.
But I did manage to fall asleep eventually and slept straight until 8:30 - without waking up once! This is a huge improvement in my life! I have been such a bad sleeper for such a long time.
I wish I could say I had sweet dreams but I didn´t. I have recently missed my "wasband" painfully lot and fell into the trap of fantasizing of getting back together, again. As a result of this I had a painful dream, the kind I have when I miss him. I was visiting him and he was very cold and unloving towards me. I woke up with a heavy heart.
After meditation and breakfast, I felt better and had some good laughs with my kids. I also got some good news about my financial situation from my brother. Seems I am OK with money for another year even if I don´t work. But then the wasband called me and mentioned a trip next Easter he is planning with my youngest. This shoot me immediately into the trajectory of panic as I am guessing his girlfriend will be involved in these plans. I am like a Pavlov-dog: conditioned to get a panic reaction whenever my wasband talks about traveling because this is what he used to do with his girlfriend behind my back.
So I ended up crying my eye-balls out in the bathtub, so that the kids would not hear.
I still have a heavy feeling in my heart and a lump in my throat. I have been crying the whole day. A part of these feelings is disappointment. I haven´t made much progress and am still grieving. I realize that the reason for grief is my inability to let go of him. I am trying really hard, or at least it feels like I am, but maybe I am not, as I am not getting anywhere. I keep missing him even though I have a new boyfriend who loves me to bits. But right now I cannot deal with him and am so grateful he does not live in my city so that I do not need to see him now.
And this is so awful! Why am I like this? Why cannot I take love from someone who is wanting to give it to me but keep on hanging on to someone who so obviously does not love me back?
I experience a deep need to be alone but the friend of mine is not happy about it. The more I keep my distance to him, the clingier he gets and the clingier he gets, the less I want to be with him. It is a vicious circle.
I feel like there is darkness inside me. The Sadhana is not over and I have some work to do. I am grateful I have been able to give up the need to worry about my son´s school issues or money, though. In those sectors I am doing great. But with my wasband - not.
Yesterday I started reading my books. I will continue focusing on the course. I am sure it helps. And tonight I am taking my daughter and my mom to a Christmas concert. I am sure that helps, too.
Today is Thanksgiving and even though it is not celebrated in my country, I celebrate it in my heart. I have so much to be thankful for! This meditation course is one of them <3
Happy Thanksgiving!
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