My meditation today: 9 am (40 minutes)
It is my birthday. I was born 55 years ago.
Was it because of this or what that I woke up at 4 and could not sleep. Anxiety crept into my mind. And there I went again: in the horror scenario of my future where I am poor, unemployed, lonely, marginalized, sick and an absolute failure.
I tried to calm down my racing thoughts that seemed to live a life of their own. The only thing that brought solace was to just accept the panic and not fight it. I said to my Ego-self (who was the one active in that moment) that it is alright. Do what you want. Destroy me if you please. I don´t care.
I managed to sleep a bit but then my dog dragged me out of bed and, as a zombie, I followed him for a walk. It was a nice crisp spring morning. I managed to bring myself into some sort of enjoyment but I was happy to get back home. I meditated and felt a bit better. I had breakfast and wrote a long email to a friend of mine who is going through a rough patch. Then I took a long hot bath and wrote some more as I always get ideas in the bath tub.
Writing is my way to organize my thoughts and bring clarity to chaos. While I was writing I started to think of the central question: why it is so difficult to let go of worry?
What is the point of getting all whacked up at 4 am by something that is beyond our control anyway: the future?
Why cannot I trust that things will work out like they always have?
Why cannot I see the opportunities that future holds, instead of threats?
Why do I always end up comparing my life to that of the other´s?
Why do I see myself as a failure?
Why do I see the future as a package of disasters instead of an almost endless amount of moments, each of which contains infinite possibilities?
Why do I see life as joyless suffering when it would be so much more fun to see as a magical adventure?
I have done a lot of work with myself and have made progress. I am nowhere near as co-dependant as I used to be. I let my youngest son be. I do now worry about him anymore.
But I worry about me.
Why?
This worrying makes me exhausted but I do not know how to stop it. I have been hopeful that meditation would be a way to learn to manage it and maybe it is. Maybe I just am not there yet.
Birthdays are great opportunities to start over. This could be a re-birthday! I really like that idea! Could I just decide to dedicate my 55th year as the Year of Entering into My New Life!
Yes I could!
What is my New Life like? It is joyful and happy, of course! But in a good and deep way.
What is there in my New Life?
There is a loving partner whom I love and connect with, and with whom I can grow together and explore the wonders of the world!
There is a job that is fulfilling and rewarding and gives me the opportunity to exploit my true potential and bring joy and empowerment to many many people. It has something to do with the global awakening that I see happening in the world.
There is enough money to lead a happy and worry-less life.
There is a nice flat down-town Helsinki.
There is a little farm in Portugal, with a pretty and rustic house, big enough to accommodate my whole family and whoever needs a refuge and healing in a beautiful and loving environment.
I leave these desires to the hands of the good Universe and trust that they will be met in due time.
It is my birthday. I was born 55 years ago.
Was it because of this or what that I woke up at 4 and could not sleep. Anxiety crept into my mind. And there I went again: in the horror scenario of my future where I am poor, unemployed, lonely, marginalized, sick and an absolute failure.
I tried to calm down my racing thoughts that seemed to live a life of their own. The only thing that brought solace was to just accept the panic and not fight it. I said to my Ego-self (who was the one active in that moment) that it is alright. Do what you want. Destroy me if you please. I don´t care.
I managed to sleep a bit but then my dog dragged me out of bed and, as a zombie, I followed him for a walk. It was a nice crisp spring morning. I managed to bring myself into some sort of enjoyment but I was happy to get back home. I meditated and felt a bit better. I had breakfast and wrote a long email to a friend of mine who is going through a rough patch. Then I took a long hot bath and wrote some more as I always get ideas in the bath tub.
Writing is my way to organize my thoughts and bring clarity to chaos. While I was writing I started to think of the central question: why it is so difficult to let go of worry?
What is the point of getting all whacked up at 4 am by something that is beyond our control anyway: the future?
Why cannot I trust that things will work out like they always have?
Why cannot I see the opportunities that future holds, instead of threats?
Why do I always end up comparing my life to that of the other´s?
Why do I see myself as a failure?
Why do I see the future as a package of disasters instead of an almost endless amount of moments, each of which contains infinite possibilities?
Why do I see life as joyless suffering when it would be so much more fun to see as a magical adventure?
I have done a lot of work with myself and have made progress. I am nowhere near as co-dependant as I used to be. I let my youngest son be. I do now worry about him anymore.
But I worry about me.
Why?
This worrying makes me exhausted but I do not know how to stop it. I have been hopeful that meditation would be a way to learn to manage it and maybe it is. Maybe I just am not there yet.
Birthdays are great opportunities to start over. This could be a re-birthday! I really like that idea! Could I just decide to dedicate my 55th year as the Year of Entering into My New Life!
Yes I could!
What is my New Life like? It is joyful and happy, of course! But in a good and deep way.
What is there in my New Life?
There is a loving partner whom I love and connect with, and with whom I can grow together and explore the wonders of the world!
There is a job that is fulfilling and rewarding and gives me the opportunity to exploit my true potential and bring joy and empowerment to many many people. It has something to do with the global awakening that I see happening in the world.
There is enough money to lead a happy and worry-less life.
There is a nice flat down-town Helsinki.
There is a little farm in Portugal, with a pretty and rustic house, big enough to accommodate my whole family and whoever needs a refuge and healing in a beautiful and loving environment.
I leave these desires to the hands of the good Universe and trust that they will be met in due time.
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