I had dinner with my ex last night, quite unexpectedly. He left our car to me as he is on his way to Mexico today and asked me suddenly if I wanted to have a beer with him. I said yes,  unwittingly, I know. It was just an impulse and I said agreed to his request without even thinking properly.

The dinner was okay and we talked this and that. He took up our house and what we should do about it, and I felt a stab in my stomach. But I stayed cool and said yes to everything. I said that I have no plans and whatever he thinks should be done, is okay with me.

After dinner I took the car and drove home. I cried most of the journey. I do not know what I am crying for. I feel immense love for him but am not sure if I really love him as a husband or just as a family member. The divorce makes me sad no end, but what is it that I am sad about? Is it just the family that is not there anymore the way it used to be?

Later that evening I took the dog out and tried to sort out my thoughts. I sent my ex a loving text, thanking him for the dinner, wishing him bon voyage and saying that I love him. I know I should not say things like that to him but last night I felt like I am tired to pretend that I am not feeling what I am feeling.

Later, I texted with the man I have been seeing since last summer. The irony is that he has fallen for me but I see us as just friends. Exactly like my ex sees me. I cannot make myself fall in love with him. To make matters even more soap opery, a woman has fallen in love with him.

All this is crazy and I just want to get out! But how? I know - patience is the key and most of time I keep patient, knowing that this is what my life is right now and I cannot change it. But then there are moments when I just wonder why the soulmate cannot come to my life now. What is taking him so long?

I am experiencing a spiritual over-load! I read and study and think and write so much and there is so much information in my head. I know, rationally and with my left brain that all is well and things will work out but my heart and right brain are screaming. I just want to love and be loved so badly!

Facebook has become my forum for wisdom as I do not watch TV or read newspapers or follow news. Today Elizabeth Gilbert, the writer had posted this on her status update:

(..) surely you've noticed a pattern by now? What's causing your soul to die, and not to live?

What's working for you, and what's not working for you?

What makes you miserable and what elevates you?

Who holds you down, and who brings you light?

What makes you healthy, and what makes you sick?

How you get in your own way, and how you get out of it?

Or are we all still performing superfluous autopsies on ourselves, wondering anew what's gone wrong, puzzling over perfectly obvious cases of repeating mortification? (I know I still do it sometimes: looking at a smoking bullet hole in my life and wondering, "Hmmmm...Drowning? Trip and fall?")

But by this time, you know what it is, though, right? The thing that needs to end? The thing that you need to stop doing? The thing that's actually killing you, day after day?

Stop doing that thing.

Seriously.

Yeah. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I KNOW!!!!!

I am going to spend this week-end with some friends in Turku, 200 km from Helsinki. I need that break now. I try not to think anything. I just live. I try to get this emotional mess untangled. 

And who knows, may the tall, handsome capricorn that my astrologist promised me will come to my life today!

So help me the good Universe!